Don't Criticise, Condemn or Complain (Dale Carnegie)

Only 6 hours after reading the first chapter of "How to Win Friends and Influence People", I already proved how true it was... unfortunately I was the one criticised.

Giving a number of interesting case studies including Al Capone, Carnegie shows how people don't criticise themselves no matter how wrong they are. All it does is to bring about resentment and sometimes long lasting emotional wounds. You hurt people's pride and instead of listening and considering your point of view all that person will do is justify their own position and perhaps condemn you in return.

This is a very difficult blog post to write now, because all I want to do is complain, criticise & complain in response to an earlier situation with my ex and his wife. I am very sensitive as to how people view my mothering, especially because of my son having special needs so I don't take criticism well. What I find is interesting is that while no criticism brings good will, it cuts the deepest when you are not completely sure of your own actions already. While I am one hell of a brilliant mum, there are a number of things I'd like to change in how I raise my children, however I just haven't been in the position to change them right now. However if someone else criticises any of these I will justify it till the cows go home and will basically bleed passive aggressiveness out my pores as I feel they are attacking not just an issue but my whole being as a mother.

It may sound strange, but I'm actually glad I was criticised in this way today as I was able to see things from the 'other side' just before trying to put the principles in action. I know for sure that if I was approached today in a different manner I would have had a completely different reaction.

I'm not one to criticise many, however I know I can liberally apply the principle to my parenting. I think most parents are set at the default position of criticising, as when you are tired, frustrated or any other of the myriad of emotions parents go through, that is almost the fall back position to attempt to get kids to see sense. Not sure about anyone else, but it's not working for me.

Tonight when my daughter was wanting my phone immediately to use the calculator and her brother had it, instead of criticising her for her impatience I explained why it would not be nice to just pull something from her brother to give to her, but that she would get it soon and I'd spend extra time with her while she was waiting. We ended up having a lovely talk in that short time. I also addressed with her the problems we have in the mornings. She won't get up, and when she does she normally dawdles so she gets told off soundly from me... of course not changing anything. She seemed quite surprised but happy when tonight I  asked her seriously why she has trouble in the mornings. She went into great detail and her reasoning actually makes sense. Now I know why she has trouble I can go about finding a way to fix the problem, and she knows that I am really listening to her.

As Carnegie states, "humans are run by emotion not logic", no matter how much sense something makes to us, criticising someone will never get them to change to our way of thinking, anger, hurt and resentment will all get in the way.

One quote I really loved from the book was by President Abraham Lincoln, "Don't criticise them, they are just what we would be under similar circumstances." After a harsh wake up call of being challenged to a duel, Lincoln stopped the freely given criticism of his youth and held true to the saying "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

Carnegie concludes chapter one with  the poem Father Forgets by W.Livingston Larned. See an adaption below. If nothing else convinces you, the copious amount of tears generated from this video should convince you to give Princple 1 "Don't Criticise, Condemn or Complain" a try...